When I Grow Up

When I grow up I want to be an explorer. I want to go where no human has been, see the wonders of the world in the silence of myself. I want to touch the Pacific Ocean with my finger tips and graze my feet on the rainforest floors. I want the sun to blind me so all I can’t see is light. 

When I grow up I want to be a politician, I want to give hope to the hopeless and deliver truth in my words. I want to create a world where there is no such thing as a hungry child or a mass grave. No amount of money will corrupt me and I won’t sleep until my work is done. 

When I grow up I want to be a film star. I want to wear the dresses and cry in front of millions on the silver screen. I want the whole world to feel the pain of the character I am playing. I want to be able to make people forget for a while about the pain they feel every day. I want my imperfections to show little girls that imperfection is beauty and imperfection is success. 

When I grow up I want to be a painter. I want to find my muse and give it every inch of my soul until it kills me. I want to be covered in oil paints and my fingernails to be permanently stained in black charcoal. 

When I grow up I want to be a beast, hiding in the dark. I want to find the beauty in everything but not myself. 

When I grow up I want to be a bird, I want to dance in the light and let the sun shine off my wings as I soar. I want to be a symbol of freedom.

When I grow up I want to be happy.

A Promise I Never Kept

I held your heart in my hand and squeezed it until my fingerprints became engraved with your flesh. I let go before I tore it up completely, I wanted to leave a functioning organ behind, even if it was a little bit broken. I played with your lungs like they were an instrument, I screamed into them then let the air out. The moisture from my breath it still leaking through your air pipes. I bruised your lips with my kisses and scarred your tongue with my teeth. I nibbled away at your fingers and I lay them on my cheek.

I didn’t mean to hurt you with my actions, but sometimes when you really love someone you can’t show it with nice words and nice behaviour. Sometimes you want to leave scars on them. You don’t want to keep them in their original packaging, you want to test drive them and see what they’re really made of. Well I drove you till your wheels come off.

Your blood stained my skin and I can still see it now. That deep crimson the colour I love. You took back your heart and your lungs and your lips and your tongue, didn’t even leave me a hand to hold. I didn’t mean to play so rough but you are being bold. You scared away my demons when I saw your face, but now their creeping back up to resurface. I’ll cover myself in bleach and pray for the best.
I’ll take your body parts and throw them away, I’ll wash off the stains and get on with my day. I’ll deny I ever saw you I’ll deny we ever met. And when the devil comes knocking I’ll say you were just a promise I never kept.

Self Destruction

Sometimes the need of self-destruction is greater than the urge to live. Sometimes I crave for all my boundaries to come crumbling down and for the walls of my reality to become blurred with the fantasies my demons have helped create. Perhaps using the word fantasies is somewhat odd, but I find that they are indeed fantasies. There’s something so liberating about the idea of becoming so unlike yourself and losing all your wit and senses, running down the street like a crazy person, breaking things, attacking people you love, burning down building after building. I have moments where I want to do all these things, but I know the consequences will be too big of a burden upon my weary shoulders. The more I inflict self-destruction, the more I will have to maintain it, you can’t just be crazy for the day and then normal the next. So I live these ‘fantasises’ in my head, I day dream about losing the plot, getting sectioned, attempting suicide, committing murder, pretty much being a little shit. Then I snap out of it as soon as I go under. What good would all these things do? One thing will lead to another and before I know it there will be no turning back. I don’t want to explore these feelings in reality, but reality is fast becoming a boring notion.

Normal is not what I'm looking for

Sometimes I want to go back in time and fix the mistakes I made. I know they say everything happens for a reason and that everything is meant to be…sometimes I refuse to believe this. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t be at that one place at that one time. I would not meet that one person who in the story of my life made me fall to my knees begging for more. What’s the profound lesson I have learnt from meeting my paramour?

I have learnt not to give in to love. I have learnt to fully assess and decipher every situation, characteristic, every word said and every act. I have learnt to analyse every possible love interest for signs of flaws and possible future implications. You may say this is a good thing…I don’t know that it is. I see it as a barrier. The higher my expectations, the harder it is for normal people to meet them. I suppose normal is not what I’m looking for.

This is for you...

To expect a person to grow with your unjust words is like expecting a rose to bloom in winter. You feed me your accusations, your judgements, your views and expect me to trust them like they are verses from a holy book. There are very few facts in this fickle world, even those can be debated. The greatest civilisations have crumbled and been reduced to darkness and chaos over wrong judgements being made. Freud says our psyche is like an iceberg, a tip breaks the surface of the water, the tip being all we show people. For me to assume that you are the tip of the iceberg and there is nothing much underneath, I might as well crash the Titanic now.

The best defence is offence and I seem to offend you a lot. My words come out in a slew of vulgarity which seems to affront your nature and upset your balance. How many times can we go from being the only two people in the world to a poisonous crescendo? Life as we know it is built on cycles, sleep cycles, moon cycles, seasons ending but promising to return the next year. This is one cycle however which goes against my nature, it disagrees with my every cell. The satisfaction of making up, no matter how sweet it may be, is leaving a taste I thought I forgot about. You will always bring a smile to my face, I guess that’s what you’re best at.


This is for you…all of this was for you.

Batteries Not Included

It was like we were stripped of happiness at birth, like an electronics device without batteries. Happiness has to be bought separately, straight away if you want to function properly, or you can sit on a shelf and gather dust until someone slots something into the small space in the back of your head, right into your hypothalamus where all the feel good neurons are. Suddenly you are working at full potential. You are laughing without having a cause to laugh, you have patience and empathy, and you have the ability to feel without thinking. They say people only use 10% of their brains, that’s because we spend our whole lives trying to find the missing pieces. Like a jigsaw with gaps, nothing will fit but the manufactured piece. My granddad use to cut out small bits of cardboard and keep them under the kitchen worktable and I use to draw on them knowing that I will get told off, but I knew he secretly wanted me to draw on them, he would always laugh at my silly pictures. Now I sit and wonder where those days went. Where I was a child and love came easy and hugs felt safe and my grandparents were my best friends. The smallest things made me content and the big things were brushed under the carpet where they did not bother me anymore, as long as my granddad let me feed the birds in the back yard everything was cool.


Happiness isn’t what somebody can give you, happiness is something that is always with you. Happiness is not a battery or a jigsaw piece that life hands to you when you are ready. True everlasting happiness is something you suddenly realised you were carrying all along, like finding something in your suitcase that you thought you forgot to pack only to find it on the last day of your holiday. Happiness is a peace of mind. Happiness is finding your balance. Happiness is going through shit and stress and crying and screaming but then finding your centre with gentle persuasion. Happiness is remembering all the things you had which have made you the person you are today. Happiness is appreciating all the things you have right now. Happiness is accepting and moving on. Happiness is learning. Happiness is hurt. Happiness is your birth right.

The View Outside

I don’t know how many of you have heard of this story but I’m going to try and recite it for you…

There were once two men who were both bed bound in the same hospital room. One mans bed stood next to a big window whilst the other mans bed was next to the door disabling him from seeing the outside world. Every morning the man next to the window would wake up and act as the other mans eyes. He would tell him what’s going on outside. He would describe what the trees looked like, the colour of the setting sun. He would explain how happy the children looked as they skipped down the road with their parents and how beautiful the street looked when it snowed or was covered in red leaves.

The man in the bed next to the door would lay his head on the pillow and hear these daily stories. His imagination would come alive with the narration of his friend next to the window. The stories would fill him with hope and passion knowing that there was a world out there waiting for him; however what he wished most was to see the world with his own eyes. Suddenly one night, the man in the bed next to the window got very ill, he called out to his friend in the bed next to the door to call a nurse as he was dying. The man in the bed next to the door closed his eyes and pretended to sleep…

The next day the doctors wheeled the poor dead man in the bed next to the window out of the room, as they were leaving the man in the bed next to the door requested from the nurse to be moved next to the window. The nurse wheeled his bed to the window and left him to his own devices. The man had finally got what he wanted; he could now look out the window every day and see the beautiful world outside. However to his horror he turned his head and saw that the view of the outside world was completely blocked due to a big brick wall in front of the window.

It turned out that the man who had previously lain in the bed next to the window would wake up every morning and see his friend upset and stranded in his bed. He would imagine and describe a beautiful world outside to cheer his friend up.

I don’t know what the point is I’m trying to make with this story. It has a lot of levels to it. The first one that jumps out to me is what some people are willing to do for their friends and the people they love. Whilst some try their best to look after and nurture the people in their lives, others will crush and destroy them. Another level is a more individual perspective; some people will do anything to make their lives better even if it means stepping on others to reach it. I guess sometimes we have let other people guide us; we have to rely on our friends and let them rely on us for if we are unreliable then we will end up somewhere we always wanted to be only to find it’s not what we expected it to be without the people who truly care about us…

Septic Shock

There comes a point where the things which provide you with life, turn around drain it back like a leech. Hanging onto something which nourished you and made you feel alive can end up being your downfall, your ultimate and utter destruction. At what point does a person draw the line and make the conscious decision to let go of the things hurting them? When does your physical brain stop processing memories which cripple you with hurt? When does your soul stop feeling like a piece of lead has been tied to it like a masochistic balloon? When does that aching feeling go away? Most people will say time, time heals all wounds. Time may heal all wounds but some wounds never go. They catch infections and weep for months on end. They cause septicaemia and poison the blood. The infected haemoglobins get pumped around the body and rest in vital organs. Ever heard of Gangrene? Ever heard of Septic Shock? Those are wounds that no amount of time can heal. Sometimes you got to reach for the antibiotics, the painkillers, the morphine and the drip. You name it they give it, pump you up to the eyeballs till your body is a network of spaced out neurons and drugged up synapses. So if they can fix a wound that won’t heal then why can’t they fix a broken heart?

Broken hearts aren’t real. That pain you feel in your chest isn’t real. That lump that you feel in your throat when someone says her name is just psychological. That ache that you feel in your stomach when you realise she’ll never look into your eyes the way she use to…that’s just physics. The stabbing in your chest and the shortness of your breath isn’t a faulty heart or clogged up arteries, it’s the mental infection. It slowly seeped into you when you thought you were ok. It quietly festered into an epidemic inside your bones and under your skin.

Lying comatose won’t help you. Sometimes it helps if you switch off every outward receptor, vision and hearing. If you can’t experience these things then you can’t process, if you can’t process then you won’t use memory to identify previous experiences, if you can’t tap into your memory then you won’t think about her, because at the end of the day that’s where she lies. Dormant in your memories, even in the ones you never knew you had. The ones you never thought you would even remember.

I want to tell you that one day you will scab up and the infection will be overcome. I want to say that one day your mind, body and soul will be restored to the healthy, vigorous working machine it formerly was. I don’t want to feed the paranoia that niggles in your mind, that perhaps this will leave a dent in you. Like a small depression which will shine in the light like a dent in a new car door or a scar which only becomes apparent with a nice golden tan? I don’t want to leave you with this grim, defeatist possibility but that’s all I can leave you with. Unfortunately I have no idea if true heart break ever heals. I don’t really know if that empty feeling will go away no matter how much shit you cram into your life. All I can say is don’t let love be your master.

so errmm....how do you guys do it?

I didn't think that at the age of 21, my (straight) friends will still be asking me how two women have sex!! Cooome on people! You literally don't even have to use your imaganation for this one. As a student of feminist politics I actually find it a little offensive that people think that sex is impossible without the involvment of a penis and anything without a penis is merely foreplay.

One of my oldest friends came over today and an episode of The L Word happened to be on the telly, conveniently on a sex scene. She watched it for a few minutes and said..."I don't get it, it's fascinating how women have sex". To which I replied..."What would you do to a woman if you were a man with no dick?"... After thinking for a few seconds she said "Everything else?"
I don't get why people, straight girls in particular, have so much difficulty figuring out what goes on between two women. If you can masturbate and make yourself reach orgasm then I'm pretty sure another woman can do it too right? If a woman was confused at how two men can have sex then fair enough but as a woman you should know that pleasing another woman would be a lot easier as you know where it feels the best.

As a woman who has tried both men and women, I can't say one is better than the other. I can tell you which one I prefer (which I won't), but they are both two fundamentally different acts which cannot be compared. Every person has different needs which shapes their sexuality. I can safely say however that if we took a hundred straight women who have never had sex with a woman and got them to agree to have lesbian sex, that ALOT of them would like it and would probably want to try it again regardless of if they are attracted to women or not.

I've heard it all...

Your only young, you'll get over this
It wasn't meant to be
There's Miss/Mr Right out there
Plenty more fish in the sea
(My favourite)You'll look back at this in a few years and laugh about it
Times a healer
You won't feel like this in a few months
You'll move on
Be strong *pukes*
You don't need people like that in your life
You'll find someone who's gonna make you so much happier *double puke*
Atleast she was being honest, you can move on now
Your a great person and you'll find someone else *triple puke*
(Actually no this is my favourite)...We need to take you out and get you drunk and find you a nice girl/guy to take your mind off things...(LOL)




Yea so basically if anybody is planning on giving me advice...please consult this checklist first. If any of the advice is previously mentioned then please either a. think of better less patronising advice or b. shutup and let me cry.

Thank You

Third Wheel

I was like a lost moon- my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie senario of desolation- that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity...

God bless...who exactly?

I’ve recently been feeling emptiness in my life, a kind of abyss that material things or the love of friends and family and my partner can’t fill. Something I cannot explain, something nobody can explain. I’ve always wanted to be more spiritual and closer to God but how would a girl who’s with a girl manage that? I doubt there’s a lesbian-Muslim niche out there for me to snuggle comfortably into, right? Sometimes it’s not enough to just believe. I would love to be able to go and worship Allah like every other Muslim without feeling like a hypocrite for being somewhere I’m not wanted. You’re probably thinking why be a Muslim if you think you won’t be accepted by Allah? Well the thing is I don’t even know the answer to that question.

There are no doubts that I believe in God. To look at the world and the universe and to presume that there is no greater power which has moulded the universe and the planets and stars and life would be very ignorant. I don’t know if praying to this particular power would make me a better person or the world a better place but I would like that option to be able to pray if I felt like it. I would like the luxury that straight people possess of being able to have a proper connection with God without feeling bad for being gay. It’s like praying but knowing that God’s like…I know what you’ve been up to why you trippin?

Society and history have moulded us in such a way that we are oppressed more than any ethnicity and any religion. A Jew may feel oppressed because of all the awful things that have happened to the Jewish race over the years but they still have their faith. They still know that despite what their good with God as long as they stick to the book. Gay people do not have this luxury. A gay man or woman cannot come home from a day of shit and open the Gay Bible (sometimes referred to as Vogue) and find solace in the words of God and the gospel knowing that despite the hate and oppression there will be salvation. There is no messiah that is promised to deliver us from evil or a place for us in heaven. We do not possess this knowledge because the truth is no one knows what God wants.

At the end of the day isn’t religion about love? When we die and hit the pearly gates I reckon we’ll be judged less on who we went down on and more on how much we loved and how much we helped and how happy we made others.


Be Good x

Diss-GUSTING-ertation

Just want to apologize to all my readers (all 1 of you) for not blogging recently. I have been living in a cave (known as the library) with my eyes glued to the laptop, writing 10,000 words of rubbish for my..can't even say the word anymore...Dissertation.

I shall be back at the end of May with more useless blogs. Stay tuned (Aliye)

wish me luuuccckkk x

Prozzies, hookers and whatnot's!

Prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the history of all civilisations...fact! From the second a town or a city was built on the back of slaves and workers, a whore house had never been far off in the making.

Watching celebrity big brother this year has really got me thinking about this particular profession and whether it's such a big deal and if we should make a space for it within our communities? Ok before you get the pitchforks out and start chasing me down Hackney road for talking such blasphemous rubbish give me a chance to explain myself please...raah...

Ok, Heidi Fleiss (who is in celebrity big brother this year), is an infamous Hollywood madam, who successfully ran an illegal prostitution business in Hollywood making bahjillions of dollars! She did almost 3 years in jail for her 'little' hiccup and lost all her millions. Now, I have nooo idea how Heidi was treating the women who worked for her, I don't know if they were looked after properly or kept safe or paid a good salary but all I know is good on her for making all that dosh and being a very successful business woman. Why should prostitution be any different from being an invesment banker or an MP?? The only difference is the people you are fucking are actually paying to be fucked not paying to be fooled into something and then fucked. The government (UK and US) love branding things illegal if it means it doesn't make them money through taxes...smoking kills millions of people a year why don't they make that illegal? oh yeah coz we pay so much taxes on it and it keeps the economy going..duuuh.

Obviously not all sex trade services are hunkydory and glamourous as Belle De Jour and Heidi's lives, most prostitution is unfortunately enforced on women as a way to pay debts or involving drugs etc. Some women put up with the abuse to pay for their bills and look after their kids as they have (well they think they have) no other choices in life. And the most tragic is when children are bought over from other countries and forced to work as prostitutes in the ever growing child trafficing operations. Now these I definatley DON'T CONDONE! Even though these acts do come under the profession of prostitution I think it relates more to absuse and violation of human rights. The kind of prostitution I'm talking about is when beautiful, smart, normal women decide to sleep with people for money and they love it. What's the harm in that? Belle De Jour did it and she was extremely happy with her choices and made a very good living out of her profession. She didn't spread aids or any STD's, she didn't ruin anyones or her own life and she certainly didn't pay any taxes!

Anyway long story short...there's noooo way any government action or law is ever going to stop the sex trade whether it be the sordid, abusive kind or the glamourous big bucks kind so in my hummble opinion I reckon the goverment should do alot more to crack down on human trafficing and slavery, get kids and women off street corners and give people who have big businesses and treating their girls properly some kind of a licence with very strict rules such as HIV/STD testing etc. and like every other government arse-fuck they should tax them coz lets face it its not fair that were getting taxed for stacking shelves in tescos and their not.

So you never know, when the government have caught on to this radical 'NEW' idea maybe their might be a fully legal sex den opening new your local CO-OP...


Be good x

You have 1 new voicemail message

I've saved your voice, in this little black box
And I unleash it when I feel like I need a hit
But the upside down glasses picture in the corner is so annoying!

New Years Resolutions

It's that time of year to start thinking about the mistakes of 2009 and how not to make the same mistakes in 2010. It's time to put the past behind you and say Akhunamatata (If you don't know what this means then shame on you!!). It's time to start the new year with a blank slate and a heart full of passion and dedication to overcome what ever life throws at you...it's also time to stuff your face with lots of food and alcohol, that's my favourite part :)

Every year (same as every other woman) my new years resolution is to lose weight and make more of an effort with my appearance bla bla bla! I've decided to take a different angle to the concept of new years resolutions. I've decided to just do things that I already do but in a way that doesn't aid in killing me. Sooo I'm still gonna smoke, but not as much, I'm still gonna eat Mcdonalds, but maybe once a month, and I'm still gonna spend too long on the laptop doing stupid things like googling wedding dresses for my imagary wedding which won't happen for another...ages, coz it's healthy to procrastinate a little bit :)
One thing I am keen to change though is cutting out spicy foods from my diet as my stomach linging cannot take it anymore and if I have to taste gavisgon one more time I'm actually gonna throw my guts up!!

So guys and gals don't let society make you think you have to be a better person just coz its a new year. Don't join the gym, don't go on a diet and don't spend loads of money on new shit in the sales just coz it's 50p off a jacket which was 200quid!! If anything just switch to Richmond lights lol

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy and healthy new year.

BE GOOD!

W xxx

The wrong side of right...

You know when you're eating a Big Mac (or veggie burger lets be PC now), and you're feeling really bad because you know your parent/partner/flat mate has slaved over the stove and cooked you a nice meal tonight?? Are we all aware of this feeling? And the more bad feelings you feel the more you don't care coz OMG this Big Mac tastes so right? No?
Well what I'm trying to get at has no relavence to this idiology lol I'm just kinda hungry and I guess I want a big mac...

No what I AM trying to get at is what are the boundaries of cheating? I mean everyone has different ways of thinking, to one person cheating may mean having feelings for someone else whilst to another person it may mean sleeping with someone else. It's hard to draw a line with such a personal issue. What if you meet the love of your life but what you see as harmless flirting is their absolute definition of being cheated on so it's either change or be changed?
I personally feel that I have cheated in the past. I didn't sleep with this person, there was no physicality involved whatsoever, it was all psychological. We had a great bond and we flirted like mental and talked about everything and both knew exactly how the other felt and I'm kinda ashamed to admit if I had the chance I would have gone there. In my eyes that is cheating, end of. Anyway ooooobviously the relationship I was in at the time didn't last as, well come on I was a twat but most importantly I learnt a great lesson...don't trust anyone with orangutang tits. No that's not it...don't abuse your partners trust!!



Trust is a very delicate thing people, a lot of things in life can be fixed and glued up and mended one way or another, but trust is something so innate. When strong it could lead to some of the best achievements in life but when weak it could be the end of you. I suppose my advice is be careful when handelling people's trust as you don't know how delicate it can be. Once lost it can be almost impossible to get back taking with it love and respect. Don't cross on the wrong side of right no matter how tasty it is...


so next time you see that look of crippling, horrid, stomach wrenching look of disappointment on your girlfriends face when you get home and don't eat a lovingly cooked roast because you were making love to some hot latina half an hour ago, just remember...buy me a big mac please?

Much love and peace and a hot apple pie (2 for 99p)

BE GOOD!!

Drum Roll Please...My First Blog!

Hello my fair bloggers and weirdos and other such people,

This is my first ever blog...wipiee!! Few things about me, I'm a girl, my name is Willow and I would like to bless you with some of my weirdness. I tend to have lots of ideas and brainwaves and I think it's healthy to express these things and touch people (pervy way intended). Oh, and I want to touch people with my knowledge and wisdom...maybe...sometimes.

Hmm some other points. I AM dyslexic, not severe but it involves a LOT of spelling mistakes and incorrect grammer bla bla bla so if you leave me messages going "Ha you fuckin suck you can't even spell" etc, I will only agree with you...and possibly call you some names but still will agree with you so don't bother...dude.

I live in London and it's kinda shitty and cold but I couldn't live anywhere else, it's home, the Kansas to my Dorothy.

I am currently in a long term relationship with a woman...yes a woman, get over it. I suppose she's my Toto. Except I don't have sex with my pets, that's wrong...well in the UK it is. So I guess I will be blogging about lesbiany type things as well, so you might enjoy reading if you're gay/bi etc. But you might also enjoy reading if your straight, it might give you another perspective but I'm sure you can ALL relate, all bloody relationships are all the same in the end.

I'm gonna wrap it up for today's blog, don't wanna give it allll away now, gotta leave some mystery!!

Goodnight Darlings

As my uncle always says..."Be good, and if you can't be good then be...." shit I've forgotten what he says!

Just be good ok!?